“ is the trickiest to define because the word ‘rough’ can mean anything,” says , a porn star and the BDSM and fetish expert for GameLink. She, however, defines it as any sort of (sadistic and masochistic activity) that also involves sexual activity. What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “making love?” This is the opposite of that.
Like BDSM, rough sex often involves pain-play (consensual of course). Moves like spanking, hair-pulling, choking, tying someone up, and slapping can all be part of the fun for people who like their sex with a side of subversion. The appeal for most people is that itisn'tromantic. It’s animalistic, passionate, edgy, aggressive, and sometimes painful. If you have fantasies of being bent over a table while your lover pulls your hair and whispers sweet nothings that aren’t so sweet, you might be someone who’s into rough sex.
While there is no hard data that can tell us if the majority of people prefer rough sex, Pornhub published an interesting study last year. According to their data for 2015, the porn category “rough sex” was viewed by women 106 percent more often than men. The search terms “hardcore” and “bondage” were also viewed at significantly higher rates than men. So, what does it mean? Are women more interested in hardcore sex than men? According to Pornhub, when it comes to watching it, yes. That being said, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wants tohaverough sex. Some people get turned on by watching certain kinds of porn that they don’t actually want to re-enact in real life.
Because rough sex can get a little ... well … rough, it’s essential that both partners are fully on-board. As in BDSM, you should absolutely sit down with your partner, and discuss clearly and specifically what moves you are both comfortable with and what is absolutely off the table.
- Any sex therapist will tell you good communication leads to good sex. It can’t be stressed enough; have a conversation with your partner beforehand about what kinds of moves, acts, or toys you want to experiment with.
- Use a safe word to make sure those boundaries are respected during rough sex. A safe word is a word or phrase that means “stop” in a sexual situation. You might be wondering, “Why not just say 'stop'?" Good question. Depending on the type of play you’re engaged in, “stop” might sound like something that the character you’re assuming would say in a scene. Aka part of the game. But if you or your partner crosses a line during the role-play, you could use your safe-word to communicate that you’re serious and not role-playing.
- Start small. If you are new to sexual experimentation, don’t start with having your partner flog you with a spiked whip while screaming at you in German. Choose one activity or move that doesn’t feel overwhelming to you; asking someone to spank your ass or tug on your hair are popular places to start.
- Communicate throughout the experience. If your partner is pulling your hair but it’s not hard enough, tell them. Dirty talk is a great way to accomplish this without sounding like you’re placing an order at the deli for that hard ass slap you’d like.
Rough sex can be expressed in both psychological ways and physical ways.
Some people are more turned on by being emotionally roughed up: degraded, insulted, and humiliated, and it doesn’t even have to involve touch. Someone who likes to be emotionally dominated might ask their partner to say mean things, point and laugh, and highlight specific insecurities.
In terms of the physical component of rough sex, common moves include hair-pulling, choking, spanking, and in some extreme cases, face-slapping. “Rough sex” is an extremely broad term and is usually defined by the individuals who are playing. Obviously, it’s crucial if you enjoy rough sex or have a partner who likes it to make sure both partners give clear, verbal consentbeforeany sexual activity goes down.
Rough Sex in Popular Culture:
Probably the most famous rough sex scene in film is the explosive fight-turned-fuck between Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello inA History of Violence. The scene is totally politically incorrect, and walks a very thin line between sex and violence.
The scene shows a married couple (played by Viggo and Maria) in the middle of a blow-out, screaming fight; she slaps him, he slaps her back, she runs up the stairs, he chases her, then he chokes her (which turns her on). And the next thing you know, she’s passionately kissing them and they start fucking. Huh!
Though getting into a fight with your partner for the crazy makeup sex isn’t the best way to indicate you’d like rougher play, slapping, choking, and pushing are all common moves that people who like rough sex engage in. As long as both partners are consenting and clear about what they are going to do, it’s really up to you how far you want to go.
Video: Domestic Violence in TV/Movies (Part 5)
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